I am not who I was

One afternoon, there was someone calling repeatedly at our entrance gate. When I hurried to the call, I saw a tired, exhausted, breathless girl. She introduced herself as a business management student and enquired whether I was interested in buying her house cleaning products. She pleasantly placed the basic sales pitch and never coerced me to buy the product. She left after I declined her request the third time. I could sense that the little girl had a great amount of self-respect without neglecting her responsibility to the assigned job. She left with a disappointed smile. She carried a huge bag and walked swiftly against the weight of the bag that pulled her backwards. It all happened within about 5 minutes. I always suspect such businesses or donation requests to be scams when young kids pose as college or school students. But I had a varied response to this instance this time. A sense of guilt engulfed me, the minute she left. I felt that I failed to handle the situation in a more emphathetic way. Firstly, I didn't open the entrance gate. I didn't offer her water despite sensing her tiredness. I could have enquired whether the company was exploiting her under the pretext of lies like claiming she was a college student. This paradox of my privilege that allows me to pursue my dream and relish life while witnessing the misfortune of the hardworking girl, haunts me.

 Every time  daily wagers, socially and economically disadvantaged people cross my path, this guilt anguishes me. I'm yet to be independent and have plenty of responsibilities to fulfill. Barring the essentials, I dream of providing for my family and enjoying luxuries after I attain my dream. This mere thought makes me hate myself. I have always despised luxuries and the lavish portrayal of one's wealth especially when people neglect their responsibilities to give back to the society. I sense I'm becoming more selfish, less empathetic, envious of other's wealth and that even the reason for my dream has shifted to my selfish needs, ignoring the true cause behind aspiring to my dream. I fear becoming whom and what I despise. I strongly believe in maintaining the sanctity of both means and ends in living one's life. 

In that sense, I should be wary of any changes in my approach to internalising class atrocities. I should not aspire to reach the apex of this class hierarchy rather, bridge the gap. I wanted to put these thoughts down in writing so as not to sound righteous or performative. But to remind myself that my conscience must be clear and must not be corrupted by assimilating with the ingrained inequalities of the world.